Happy Endings

No one really believe those sappy happy endings in movies and TV shows right? Only, I think I kind of did and keep getting surprised when reality slams us down again. The sick person is supposed to find the beauty of life and the joy of every little thing and the spouse is supposed to be beside their love every step of the way, helping them to carry their pain. I knew this was fantasy but I still feel cheated. Does that make any sense?
I have to step away from my husband for a time because I am the enemy . No matter how hard I try and help him direct his anger at the disease and away from me, he cannot see it.It has been so long since I have seen the man I married inside this man before me. I miss him. I want to hold him and cry with him and help him find peace but I am so tired and he is too angry. Thank the Lord for the amazing staff at the facility who can be there for him when I cannot. They are such a blessing.

Christmas Musings

Is it possible that Christmas is all about suffering? Looking back at the painful and emotionally draining experience of our Christmas I am tempted to ask why? Why more suffering on Christmas? My husband's disease continues to take from us and take from us. On Christmas Eve he began shouting at the nurses in the care facility and then threw something at them. He was supposed to be joining us that evening. I went over to try and clam him down and he was not there. Instead was the rage-filled, mean and spiteful man that the disease sometimes turns him into. I didn't listen to my instincts but convinced myself that he could still some home and calm down. The calm did not last and he informed that he was never going back to the hospital and I could try to make him. He shouted at me, he pleaded with me, he threatened me and the whole time I just ached for my kids who were in their room with their Auntie trying to hide. Finally he decided to leave and refused a ride to the hospital but my sister was able to convince him to get into the car after a block. I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up.

The next day we had to decide whether he could come over or not. On what could be our last Christmas, would it be better to protect the kids from the emotional agony? In then end I went to assess his mood and found him calm and willing to listen. I risked it. He came and laughed with the kids and ate Christmas dinner and went home without complaint. Praise the Lord, truly.

 It was my sister who said, "Christmas morning wasn't a happy occasion really. Mary and Joseph were alone and in a barn having their first child and soon they would have to flee to save their baby." So...Christmas is about the birth of Jesus who came to restore this world of pain and suffering. He came to heal broken minds and bodies and defeat the darkness once and for all. I am so glad for the few hours of peaceful family time that we had on Christmas Day. I won't ask why we have to walk this road. I will ask for patience and grace and the ability to always look beyond to His coming.

ADHD in our midst

I can't keep up with all of the changes in my life. It seems that we face new challenges weekly in our family. My husband has been admitted to long-term care but he is so very unhappy to be there. It is agonizing to watch and yet I have 2 small children who need me more than he does. I finally went to the doctor to talk about my son. I have been watching him since last year and wondering about ADHD. It is time to go down that road. As a teacher, I have seen the benefits of medication for SOME children so we are starting a trial. I wish I could take this away from him. He is such an amazing boy with so much compassion for others and a deep desire to succeed. Our family has been learning how to deal with the constant movement and daredevil impulses. The harder part of ADHD is the emotional side. He knows something is keeping him from being his best self and he is beginning to lose self-esteem. He is easily frustrated and cries a lot at school. I am his teacher this year and I have a wonderful class that is empathetic. They don't tease him but I worry about that happening. Worry is the problem really. It is time to trust God and quit wasting my energy on worrying. I think this blog is going to be a place to write and hopefully leave it on the page. So much for a cute and simple teaching blog. My life is just so not cute or simple.