Happy Endings

No one really believe those sappy happy endings in movies and TV shows right? Only, I think I kind of did and keep getting surprised when reality slams us down again. The sick person is supposed to find the beauty of life and the joy of every little thing and the spouse is supposed to be beside their love every step of the way, helping them to carry their pain. I knew this was fantasy but I still feel cheated. Does that make any sense?
I have to step away from my husband for a time because I am the enemy . No matter how hard I try and help him direct his anger at the disease and away from me, he cannot see it.It has been so long since I have seen the man I married inside this man before me. I miss him. I want to hold him and cry with him and help him find peace but I am so tired and he is too angry. Thank the Lord for the amazing staff at the facility who can be there for him when I cannot. They are such a blessing.

Christmas Musings

Is it possible that Christmas is all about suffering? Looking back at the painful and emotionally draining experience of our Christmas I am tempted to ask why? Why more suffering on Christmas? My husband's disease continues to take from us and take from us. On Christmas Eve he began shouting at the nurses in the care facility and then threw something at them. He was supposed to be joining us that evening. I went over to try and clam him down and he was not there. Instead was the rage-filled, mean and spiteful man that the disease sometimes turns him into. I didn't listen to my instincts but convinced myself that he could still some home and calm down. The calm did not last and he informed that he was never going back to the hospital and I could try to make him. He shouted at me, he pleaded with me, he threatened me and the whole time I just ached for my kids who were in their room with their Auntie trying to hide. Finally he decided to leave and refused a ride to the hospital but my sister was able to convince him to get into the car after a block. I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up.

The next day we had to decide whether he could come over or not. On what could be our last Christmas, would it be better to protect the kids from the emotional agony? In then end I went to assess his mood and found him calm and willing to listen. I risked it. He came and laughed with the kids and ate Christmas dinner and went home without complaint. Praise the Lord, truly.

 It was my sister who said, "Christmas morning wasn't a happy occasion really. Mary and Joseph were alone and in a barn having their first child and soon they would have to flee to save their baby." So...Christmas is about the birth of Jesus who came to restore this world of pain and suffering. He came to heal broken minds and bodies and defeat the darkness once and for all. I am so glad for the few hours of peaceful family time that we had on Christmas Day. I won't ask why we have to walk this road. I will ask for patience and grace and the ability to always look beyond to His coming.

ADHD in our midst

I can't keep up with all of the changes in my life. It seems that we face new challenges weekly in our family. My husband has been admitted to long-term care but he is so very unhappy to be there. It is agonizing to watch and yet I have 2 small children who need me more than he does. I finally went to the doctor to talk about my son. I have been watching him since last year and wondering about ADHD. It is time to go down that road. As a teacher, I have seen the benefits of medication for SOME children so we are starting a trial. I wish I could take this away from him. He is such an amazing boy with so much compassion for others and a deep desire to succeed. Our family has been learning how to deal with the constant movement and daredevil impulses. The harder part of ADHD is the emotional side. He knows something is keeping him from being his best self and he is beginning to lose self-esteem. He is easily frustrated and cries a lot at school. I am his teacher this year and I have a wonderful class that is empathetic. They don't tease him but I worry about that happening. Worry is the problem really. It is time to trust God and quit wasting my energy on worrying. I think this blog is going to be a place to write and hopefully leave it on the page. So much for a cute and simple teaching blog. My life is just so not cute or simple.

Halloween Learning

Wednesday I woke up with dread in my heart. Halloween...26 kids...report-card writing hangover...all spells bad news in the middle of the week. But my little monsters made me proud. They moved through Halloween-themed learning centres all morning and had a great time! The favourite was the pumpkin decorating centre. A Kinder Grandma had donated 12 pumpkins to the class so we painted and collaged to our heart's content. They turned out great! They just love to learn. I love that about this age group.

So now report cards are written and Halloween is done, all I have left is 26 parent-teacher interviews to do. I've never been this tired by October before. My soap opera life always keeps me on the go. We are still waiting for a long-term care bed for my husband and in the meantime it is a struggle to keep us with his needs. We have a sewer problem right now and an ice dam over the door because of the foot and a half of snow that dumped in one 24 hour period 2 weeks ago. But my sister and niece are here and we are learning how to work as a family. It is so nice not to be alone in this drama. Once we all recover from the flu and are healthy again then I think we will find a rhythm of life that works for us.

When the going gets tough...

September has been a long journey for me and I have learned a lot about teaching, about myself and about my own family. I have had some very difficult classes, difficult students who required so much patience that I often wondered at my own ability to give it. But my situation right now is neither of those. It is a swirl of trying to learn a new role, balancing home and school, dealing with painful issues resulting from my husband's decline and the demands of my children for whatever is left to give them at the end of a very long day. I am depleted.

I've thought about erasing this blog. It was meant to be an exciting chronicle of my adventure in teaching K/1 and trying to implement a reggio philosophy. Each time I come to the computer and think about writing I turn away because the truth is too painful and it would just be silly to pretend on my little blog read by none. Yet I'm not brave enough to put it all out there.

I miss the glow of a wonderful teaching day more than I can say. I'm trusting that this shall pass and I will find a way to move through this mess of my life with more peace and more grace for myself. My students deserve a better teacher than I am right now. I love them very much. Can anyone except teachers understand that fierce love we develop for our students?

When the going gets tough...

Overload

There are just too many good ideas out there. I am in the middle of a mind explosion, trying to decide how I will incorporate some new ideas while keeping the things that have worked well for me. I love to try new things but sometimes I try too many new things. Is anyone else like that? So then I have to abandon something before really giving it a chance because I was trying to implement too much. Actually, slowing down is going to be my new resolution. Teaching a K/1 split will require that. Kinders need more time to practice skills and I need to give them the time they need instead of rushing them along. I firmly believe in differentiation and have followed that model for years. I just need to be aware of setting down good solid foundations to build on. Now I just have to sort through my goals and choose the most important to implement. Wish me luck!

Family Vacation...minus one

I haven't been too worried about posting on my little blog with its audience of one. It is nice to just write out my thoughts so they aren't cluttering up my mind. We are on our family vacation on Galiano Island, BC. It is fantastic to be here and my kids are experiencing so many firsts...first drive through the mountains, first glimpse of the ocean, first touch of a starfish, first hike through the BC rainforests. But my husband is not here and this vacation was supposed to be a special family time. He just wasn't well enough to come and it was hard to leave him at the hospital for respite while we drove off for 2 weeks of fun. Each moment is bittersweet like a shadow of what it could have been if we were whole. I'm looking forward to getting back to life, school, schedule and the roles we have begun to accept as our reality. Looking at our crazy life from 2 provinces away I can see more beauty in it than when I was in the midst of the whirlwind. All of the medical intrusions and balancing of home, school, and disease seems more worthwhile than it did before, less of a terrified scrabbling to keep up. This disease has taken much and will take more before it finally leaves our family some peace but there must be a way to find more magic moments. I will look for them. But for today...I'll revel in the squeals of delight as my children race along the rocky beaches and chase the tiny crabs.